Starting Over...

This being my first post that I've publicized, you might think I'm "starting over" my blogging.

I wish it was that simple!

In the past 2 weeks I've made some pretty tough decisions:
1. To move Cross Country, planned for July (in a month!)
2. To turn down a fantastic job offer with a company I respect
3. To (try to) open my heart to someone I've cared about for a long time

I didn't mean to put them in order from easiest to most difficult, but I did. It even seems harder for me to spit out the decisions I've made as I get further down my list (so my list is only 3 items long... let me believe this is as hard as it feels).

The cross-country move has been something I've had on my mind for a while now. It was part of the reason the Other Job was appealing to me. I love California and all, but gotta say, I don't think the state has really liked me - at least until I decided to leave. It's being nice now, right as I'm getting ready to make the big move. There's so much I'm going to miss. I, being the list-maker that I am, made a Pros and Cons list before I made the decision to move. There were items on this list that were stricken off by friends and family that seem now to have merrit - namely, good Cali wineries, Santa Cruz (yes, the entire town; beach, boardwalk, downtown, pier, and all), proximity to fluffy Tahoe skiing, and shark fishing. Oh yes, and let's not forget the sunroof on my car (not the car itself), and my fantabulous balcony overlooking the pool. All valid items to list on my Pros for staying in California.... right? NYC seems great though; I'll love giving up my car (not the sunroof!), living in the city, having everything open late, being able to walk places (maybe this is a Con in the winter)... In the end, the score was California - 10, New York City - 10.5.

I've made the decision to turn down a new position (at a new company) that would allow me to lead the account management division of a company - this was a tough decision. When it came down to it, I accepted it, gave my notice to my current company, and was asked to stay - and offered the ability to move NYC if that's what I needed. After much discussion and even more thought, I decided the best decision was to stay with my current company. I'm happy about it - I like the company, the people I work with, and what I do - and now I believe there's some understanding around where I can grow. In the end, this was a good thing for me to go through.

The heart is by far the most difficult one. For a number of reasons, after starting to date someone a year and a half ago - someone I cared immensely about - I ended things. Granted, most of my reasoning behind this wasn't great; In many ways it was selfish, though I do know I was trying to do what I thought was best. My problem was that I refused to discuss the real reasons for ending things.
February this year was a turning point - I finally was at a point where I could allow myself to be in a realationship, but I didn't know how to go about changing things. Only recently have I opened up about my reasons, and I think I may have taken too long to open up, losing any chance I had with this person... I'm not sure now how to handle this - if there's even a possibility left - but I do know at least that I have to open myself up to him in order to even have a prayer. And now I just wait.....?