A friend of mine is getting married and going through a “which life do I want” dilemma that’s making me think about what I want in 5 or 10 years. I know not all of my hang ups are either-ors (there are instances where both can happen), but I feel like I should know by now what I want in life. I don’t think that’s the case for me at the moment.
At 12, (6th grade), we all had to write down what we wanted to be and what we wanted with our lives in 10 years. My 12 year old idea of where I’d be today was very defined. Where I actually am from where I thought I’d be so completely different, its unbelievable. At least I kinda had a plan, though…. right?
I was going to be a doctor (probably would still be in school).
I was going to have kids (who knows… They don’t fit in my life at the moment).
I was going to be married (the idea of forever requires a patience I don’t know that I have).
I wasn’t going to live in NYC (school, kids, and a husband would not have allowed it).
I was going to travel the world (this, at least, I’m doing somewhat inline with my 12-year-old idea).
My parents would be retired (my Dad can’t seem to figure that one out).
My best friend would live much closer (damn it, Amy!)
I’d never even think about teaching (today it sounds so relaxing…. And I did love doing it).
At 28, if I think ahead 16 years ahead (44, for you math majors), I seem to come across this black hole of ideas. A million plans in a million directions and nothing certain or concrete. Maybe its a lack of focus. I’d rather call it open-mindedness. Or insatiable curiosity. Not that this by any name is anything out of the ordinary… How many college majors and states did I run through before landing where I’m at?! It’s a bit disturbing in an oddly satisfying way.
There are a few options that seem to be seriously viable possibilities, and I know the decisions I make today will place me into one of these lives. Likely without allowing me the chance to consciously decide which I really want. Does anyone really end up consciously deciding where they land anyhow? I need to be able to read ahead in my Choose Your Own Adventure book and see which life works out the best so I can make my decisions accordingly. If anyone comes across the book about me, send it my way.
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2 comments:
I have had this same conversation with a friend of mine. I know you are supposed to enjoy the journey but sometimes it would be nice to know where it is going to end so you would really know if it is worth it or if you should be taking a different route. It is frustrating at times to see such a small part of the picture. I guess all you can do is make decisions that seem to point you in the "right" direction, whatever that is. I personally pray about it and hope the decisions I make are somewhat in line with God's will. On occasion I make decisions directly in opposition to what I think that will is and generally I "pay" for it in the long run but somehow I always end up where he wants me. It's amazing how that happens. I don't think you can go wrong. Look at how great your life has been up to this point and think about how great it is going to continue to be! Maybe knowing the end would spoil it. If I find your book, I'm keeping it.
I think this whole "confusion" of what or where we should be in our lives can be easily summed up in a lyric from one of my favorite songs "is this the life I've dreamed of, or is it just the way it all went down, damn right I sure am happy, this crazy piece of life that I have found".
I didn't know you had a blog...I'll try to keep up now.
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