My Choose Your Own Adventure Book

A friend of mine is getting married and going through a “which life do I want” dilemma that’s making me think about what I want in 5 or 10 years. I know not all of my hang ups are either-ors (there are instances where both can happen), but I feel like I should know by now what I want in life. I don’t think that’s the case for me at the moment.

At 12, (6th grade), we all had to write down what we wanted to be and what we wanted with our lives in 10 years. My 12 year old idea of where I’d be today was very defined. Where I actually am from where I thought I’d be so completely different, its unbelievable. At least I kinda had a plan, though…. right?
I was going to be a doctor (probably would still be in school).
I was going to have kids (who knows… They don’t fit in my life at the moment).
I was going to be married (the idea of forever requires a patience I don’t know that I have).
I wasn’t going to live in NYC (school, kids, and a husband would not have allowed it).
I was going to travel the world (this, at least, I’m doing somewhat inline with my 12-year-old idea).
My parents would be retired (my Dad can’t seem to figure that one out).
My best friend would live much closer (damn it, Amy!)
I’d never even think about teaching (today it sounds so relaxing…. And I did love doing it).

At 28, if I think ahead 16 years ahead (44, for you math majors), I seem to come across this black hole of ideas. A million plans in a million directions and nothing certain or concrete. Maybe its a lack of focus. I’d rather call it open-mindedness. Or insatiable curiosity. Not that this by any name is anything out of the ordinary… How many college majors and states did I run through before landing where I’m at?! It’s a bit disturbing in an oddly satisfying way.

There are a few options that seem to be seriously viable possibilities, and I know the decisions I make today will place me into one of these lives. Likely without allowing me the chance to consciously decide which I really want. Does anyone really end up consciously deciding where they land anyhow? I need to be able to read ahead in my Choose Your Own Adventure book and see which life works out the best so I can make my decisions accordingly. If anyone comes across the book about me, send it my way.

Things I've forgotten and Newly Remembered

// I really really really like the sun
// Gray skies were never my thing
// Mailing cards when I have a deadline is hard. When there is no deadline, I mail them often!
// I shake when I get really nervous, even when I shouldn’t be nervous
// Opening the door for people in my California office was always a pain
// I have a Fry’s gift card that I haven’t yet used… and can’t in NY
// I miss having no roommates
// Cooking is usually much tastier than food I order in.
// My head and my heart don’t often agree
// Ashley’s couch really is comfortable

New Years Resolution....

Some weeks are just hard, and there’s seemingly no way to escape it. Don’t get me wrong; I love my life right now. I really really do – my job, my personal life, my family – all of it. But this week has been enough to make me want to crawl under my desk, curl in a ball, and not come out. One of my favorite colleagues had his last day today, too, which doesn’t help. This has gotten me thinking about what I want my life to be – I hate being this stressed out, and want to enjoy my life, but work hard and be successful too.

**I must interject here. The TV is on, and I just saw someone presenting the most amazing shoe. It has a convertible heel! The heel folds from a high heel down to a low one really easy! Mental note: must figure out where to find these. I so need them!

The good news, despite the stress (that oddly is making my chest bone crack like a back or finger does), is that I know I can get through this. That I’m a strong person and am only learning. I only wish this learning didn’t keep me from the other silly things I’d like to do – start doing some gymnastics again, taking a Spanish class, etc. My new year’s resolution has come out of this, though, and I’m going to separate work and life better. That’s it. Separation. A piece for each side. Ignoring neither.

My issue today is that its not even December, and I’m already thinking that I may have to delay implementation of this resolution until February. *Deep breath* I can start in January and make sure I’m set in February. Right? Right?!

What I did last weekend (a la 4th Grade's 'What I did last summer')

I had to start with the kissing bees. :)
There are certain things that innately relax me:

• A hot cup of tea (with milk!)
• A good book (not the start. It becomes relaxing about 5 pages in).
• Open expanses (where can I get that in NYC?)
• Listening to someone talk. Not what they're saying, necessarily, but the sound of their voice.
• Hiking
• Star-gazing with the heat on and the windows open from a car (again, where can I get that from NYC?)
• Quietly sitting with peole I care for. The knowledge that they're there is comforting. maybe just reading, taking a nap, or watching (or sleeping through, in my case) a movie.

This past weekend encompassed a number of these for me, and resulted in an amazing weekend in Albuquerque. Even if I didn't get to see any old friends while I was there (a first for me!). I went to the Albuquerque Balloon Fiesta (http://www.balloonfiesta.com/) this past weekend. I have my eyes opened to something new everytime I visit a place, and this was no different. The quirkiness that originally made me yearn for Rhode Island, then became commonplace, has now become quite strange again. But this time, its in an I'm-so-glad-I-got-to-know-that kind of way.

A friend was with me this weekend that had never been to ABQ or NM even, and seeing their experience of it for the first time helped me see it anew again as well. The good and the not-so-good (which did make me a mite sad).

To get on with my Albuquerquean Adventures:
- Mass Ascension:
One of the greatest things to wake up at 6am for - EVER. Hundreds of hot air balloons lifting off. With every lift-off, there is clapping and cheering by crowds in the the thousands. It is silly, but lifting in a very simple way. Every age group is represented, and you still see people tinkering with massive film cameras, just to have these images put somewhere more permanent than the fade-prone memory bank provides.

- Evening Balloon Glow:
A picture simply doesn't do this justice. Feel the excitement of an old-ime amusement park. Hear the happy chatter of a million people on a sunny beach, mid-summer. Smell the deep fried twinkies and turkey legs that can only mean care-free, relaxed people ignoring their usual diets. Curl tight into your warm sweater, as you would in front of a fall camp-fire... Add in a hundred inflated hot air balloons thethered down in the light of the sliver of the moon. No other lights around, and as a countdown ends, have the them all light up like flickering stars up close. It's an experience more satisfying than almost anything I've ever known. Romantic, too. I would take a "date" at that event over anywhere else (provided, of course, that I liked the guy enough to suggest it). :-)

- Albuquerque/Sandia Peak Tram:
This tram provides access to the spot in Albuquerque that allows for postcard worthy photos when the sun sets. I went a number of times while living in Albuquerque but make a point to do a trip here every time I go back to visit. A cup of hot cocoa, a perch on an outside bench, overlooking the entire city of Albuquerque and the western horizon, and a warm blanke (forgot that part this time!), and you've found yourself the bests sunset to watch. I took a photo here a year or two ago, and its framed on my wall now.

- Hinkle Family Fun Center:
(Yes, I have included Hinkle... so did the "Things to do in Abq" at the hotel, so I feel validated). Corny, yes. It's really just an arcade with laser tag, go-karts, and mini-golf. Somehow I lost at everything I played ---Skeeball, basketball, airhockey, and some firing ball game. How that happened, I'm not sure. I'm convinced the machines were against me. Unfair!!!

- The Volcanos:
In the 4.5 to 5 years I lived in Albuquerque, I never actually went out to the volcanos on the west side of the city, I never actually went out to them. I wish I had. It's a great sunny (albeit short) hike up to the top, and a perfect East-facing vantage to the city and Sandia mountains. Plus, you get to sit on lava-rocks!

Although i do love NYC and everything it offers, it is the polar opposite to ABQ. When I grow-up, I want a place somewhere as brilliant in the relaxation & scenery departments as Albuquerque, and a place as rich in experience as NYC. I have a lot of work to do to get there....

Oh! I've brought back some new Green Chile recipes too... Time for home-cooked meals by Amanda!

FF Bragging and Baseball Playoffs

Fantasy Football (Bragging):
Week 5 games have ended and I, the sole female on my Fantasy Football team, am in first place in my division. Yes, ok, there is one person with a better record than me, but you have to give me that I'm still doing brilliantly with Maroney and Westbrook out last week. I'm going to savor this moment with a picture. Come back to me in a few weeks; hopefully I'll still be bragging. :)

Baseball Playoffs:
I purchased a few tickets to the 5th game of the ALCS in NYC and as much as I love that the Yankees are OUT (ok, 1 inning remaining in the CLE/NYY game tonight), I'm disappointed that I won't be attending the 5th game of the ALCS as a Boston/Yanks series. :( The good news is that I love being in NY and making fun of the silly Yankees fans who think they're actually going somewhere... SUCKS FOR THEM!!!

And where did the Rockies come from??? Gotta say I'm impressed (though they'll never take it from the AL...)

Peculiar Feelings

I never know how to start writing… Everyone always says the first sentence is the hardest, and it seems today to be absolutely true. I have this spool of thoughts in my head at the moment, and I just can’t seem to find the end to unravel it.

A good friend of mine has always accused me of being insensitive, and though I would never call myself that, I can see how I might come off as such at certain times. That said, I don’t think I’m particularly emotional, though I think you only come across emotions as they’re evoked within you. Emotions aren’t something you understand until you feel them. I’m not sure why over the last 5 or 6 years I seem to recognize the abnormality and peculiarity of new emotions when I do feel them, but it does seem to happen. More than 5 or 6 years ago, I don’t recall feeling something and stopping – dead stop in my emotional tracks – to think I could feel *this* and never before have come across it! It’s a strange combination of curiosity and amazement… and then excitement or tension, exhilaration or unrest… It’s bizarre to realize you feel more than you think you could.

I had this happen today. I was with someone I trust and still felt it was so foreign I couldn’t even discuss it, even if I almost needed someone to steady me at that moment. It was not a good moment, and I can’t say I’ve ever hurt so much for someone else’s pain.

Exhausted, but happy. Really happy.

I got my haircut by someone other than Sergio.
I'm really happy.

I took on a new role at work and now work a million hours a week.
I'm really happy.

I finally got approval granted for my new apartment and need to move in.
I'm really happy.

My car was delivered in 1 piece to the east coast and needs to be sold.
I'm really happy.

My furniture was delivered to Hoboken and needs to be moved into my new apartment.
I'm really happy.

I'm spending only 2 weeks of the next month at home.
I'm really happy.

One of my roommates is a little anal...
I'm really happy.

I have a lot of cleaning to do.
I'm really happy.

Don't you just love it when you just can't stop enjoying your life, even if there are a million things going on!?.... Loving my life here; I'm really happy!